


Wallow

by Boneheart



Series: Shared Tragedies [1]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kinda, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:53:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26854768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boneheart/pseuds/Boneheart
Summary: When Connor deviated,  he thought he could make a change.  He thought he could help. Redeem himself. Forget his past actions. His past mistakes. But all he did was screw up again and again and again.
Series: Shared Tragedies [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1972108
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31





	Wallow

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This is a vent fic. I probably won't continue, but I do have ideas if I decide to. I guess let me know if you're interested. Please read the tags.
> 
> This is not beta read as my usually beta reader is busy.
> 
> Please leave comments, I really need the serotonin

When he deviated, he thought he could make a change. He thought he could help. Redeem himself. Forget his past actions. His past mistakes. But all he did was screw up again and again and again.

The cold water made him shiver. Sensation had been overwhelming lately, more overwhelming than when he'd first been updated with artificial nerves.

He used to like it, love it even. The feeling of having his back rubbed, the warmth of the sun on his skin. Suffering the bad sensations was worth embracing the good ones. 

Was.

Now there were no good ones, at least not that he could notice. For Connor, it felt like nothing was good lately. He spent more time privately crying than anything else. He was doing it now. It had been that way for months.

The first weeks after the revolution were great. He continued working at the DPD and even got to live with Hank and Sumo. It was everything he wanted, at least he'd thought it was.

He sighed and let his head thump against the wall. It hadn't taken long for him to realize he was an outcast. Despite his role in the revolution, he was still known as the Deviant Hunter. No one trusted him, andriods and humans alike. 

The androids thought him a monster, he'd betrayed his own kind. He should've gone Deviant sooner. He'd killed his own people. He'd mindlessly obeyed orders just to please the humans. 

The humans found him a traitor. To them he lacked loyalty. As far as they were concerned he would swap sides wherever convenient. 

Deep down he knew they were both right, not long ago he'd have done anything to stay alive. It was only at the end that he'd started thinking about someone other than himself. 

The guilt ate away at him. It had been for months. Each new update, each new sensation, only drove him further into depression. He didn't deserve the good feelings. So he hurt himself. He didn't deserve his newly added sense of taste, so he only ate what he hated. If he ate that was. Andriods typically ate thirium infused foods, and lately he preferred that to run low.

The foggy feeling headaches brought him a sense of comfort. He glanced down at his naked thighs. Without proper thirium levels his self-repairing system barely functioned. He traced each scar on his artificial skin. 

Artificial. He hated that. He wanted to be real, authentic. He was so tired of feeling like a fake. So tired of being hated. So tired of feeling unloved. He was so tired. 

He was sure Hank only let him stay out of pity. Deep down he knew what Hank thought of him, he knew what everyone thought. 

He's a murderer. He's disgusting. He's cruel. He's irredeemable. How could he have let 3 andriods die by his hands before deviating? How could he live with himself. 

He couldn't. He'd tried, he really had. But each day had made him doubt himself more and more. Each day made him hate himself. He hated the glaring. He hated the insults. The andriods treated him like a criminal and the humans treated him like a toy. He couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't do it.

He took a breath, and steadied the blade in his shaking hand. He wanted to do this quietly. He didn't want anyone to stop him.

Suddenly he heard a knock at the door and flinched. 

"You ok in there son? It's been awhile" Hank shouted

"Y-yea...I'm just in the bath!" He grit out

He hated how his voice shook. 

Hank was silent, surely he'd gotten suspicious. 

"It's been two hours Connor." Hank finally said

Shit. 

He hadn't realized how long he'd been sitting there.

"Connor? Did you hear me?" Hank questioned

He froze, beginning to panic. He didn't know what to say. How could he tell the man he convinced to live that he wanted to kill himself? That he'd felt this way for nearly a year. He couldn't. 

"Connor? Connor answer me." The older man sounded worried

"I'm fine Hank. G-go away...please!"

"Connor open this door right now." Hank tried to open the door, Connor had locked it

He felt his eyes well up with fresh tears. He didn't want Hank to worry, he wanted everyone to forget him. Forget he ever existed. 

"If you're not out in 5 minutes I'm breaking this fucking door down." The man yelled

5 minutes. He only had 5 minutes to get this over with. It was now or never. 

He raised the blade, pressing it against the sensitive skin of his wrist. He dug in and sliding the blade from his wrist up to his elbow. He could feel the plastic beneath his skin ripping open. It was an agony he welcomed. He placed the blade in his opposite hand and repeated the motion.

Already he could feel himself fading. He let himself sink lower into the water. It was turning blue. Each second brought him closer to the redemption he desperately needed. As he sunk into darkness he heard a crash. He was dimly aware that Hank was in the room. Shouting and shaking him.

"Connor! Connor!" Was the last thing he heard before losing consciousness

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment, I need serotonin


End file.
